Thursday, 21 January 2016

The Soviet Union jokes book

Could not resist this pearl at the Army museum. Gellert Kovacs printed this book, and wrote it. Well, collected about 200 sharp-tongued jokes. Here are a few:

At the hotel.
A cleaning lady at a hotel in Moscow saw a foreign tourist watering the flowers in his room.
"Please stop..." she said. "The microphone gets rusty."

In hell.
The old Nazi finally arrives to hell where he sees there is a capitalist and a communist hell. As he does not know automatically which hell he belongs to, he decides to explore both. He goes to the capitalist hell first. There stands Rockefeller and looks bored...
"What is happening here?" the old Nazi asks.
"Here in capitalist hell, we chain you at a bull, then skin you alive with sharp knives and then boil you in hot oil."
"Oh, that's terrible", the old Nazi says and wanders over to the communist hell where he sees the queues are long outsides the entrance. He manages to force his way past everyone and ask Karl Marx, who is the door keeper, what is going on and why this hell is much more popular than the other.
"Well," Marx says, "here we chain you at a mad bull,  skin you alive with sharp knives and then boil you in hot oil."
"But it is exactly the same thing as in the other hell."
"Yes, but sometimes we run out of chains, knives and oil."

Before you and I were born.
Q: Who were the first communists?
A: Adam and Eve. They had no clothes, no apartment of their own, had just one apple to eat and were told they were in paradise....

Thoughts.
A secret policeman takes a man to the headquarters of NKVD.
"This man thinks dangerous things", the policeman says to his commander.
"What did he say?" the commander asks.
"I took him in before he could say it out loud."

Abroad.
During one of his travels abroad, Chrustjov arrives to Lichtenstein and is received with pomp and splendour. When he is introduced to the Minister of Defence, he starts laughing.
"Hahaha... Minister of Defence in this tiny country, it got to be a joke?"
Upon which the president of the country remarked:
"Mr. Chrustjov, it is impolite to laugh. I visited Moscow a few years ago and was introduced to the Soviet Minister of Justice, so I kept myself from laughing, even though I also thought it was a joke at first."

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